A rare occurrence was witnessed last Thursday as an Arcata High student actually made an appearance at detention. Experts are saying this is the first time we’ve witnessed this extraordinary event since the Perry administration.
In addition to the teacher assigned the dismal job of overseeing detention, an eye witness commented on what they’re calling a “twice in lifetime” sight.
“Why the actual f*** would he do that,” eye witness Ocean Walker remarked, “nobody ever goes to those for a reason.”
Walker is in fact correct, as researchers explained, about 584 detention slips are distributed every week, resulting in a new average of only 0.003% attendance including the recent outlying case.
“Seems like a waste of paper to me,” explained an anonymous teacher, “like, come on man.”
The student was tracked down some 2 weeks after the extraordinary event took place, claiming he was “too scared” to come to school as the endless questioning would likely be “too much to handle.”
“At the time, I really thought it was the right thing to do,” the student who attended detention said. “Little did I know the attention and backlash I would receive.”
Over the last couple of days, local news outlets have been appearing at school, asking to talk to the poor, innocent child. “It was literally my first ever detention,” the kid explained, “I promise I’ll never go ever again!”
Admin seems to be in support of continuing to attempt to enforce detention for students who cut class, sending out emails twice daily reading “Detention: keep it up baby!” This very enthusiastic attitude will almost certainly be short lived, as researchers have concluded that it does not in fact make any difference; shocking.
After last year’s efforts extended as far as the district bringing back the electric chair to enforce attendance, a common consensus has surfaced: the guillotine is in order.
