As a young American, you’re told enough lies by the time you’re eighteen to kill an adult horse. Luckily, most are innocent: your blood is blue until it touches oxygen, if you swallow a watermelon seed, it’ll grow inside you, gum stays in your stomach for seven years, you use only 10% of your brain, etc.
However, every winter a much more sinister lie would come regarding the origin of your Christmas presents.
You were told of a fat, jolly man, decked in red from head-to-toe who squeezes himself down your chimney (or front door, if you lacked one), eats all your cookies, and leaves a bunch of presents beneath your tree.
That is, as long as one simple condition was met; that you have been good this year.
However, dear friends, your parents were being EVIL and LYING to you.
Santa is not only a false prophet whose existence is scientifically impossible, but a symbol of authoritarian fascism meant to stifle the spirits of children worldwide by stuffing them into such arbitrary boxes as “bad” and “good.”
Just think about it for a moment! How would such a fat man fit through the chimneys when, according to Missouri University, chimneys are hardly ever over thirteen inches in diameter? Isn’t that forced intrusion, anyways?
What a weirdo.
And what about the magical reindeer? They surely aren’t pulling that sleigh around the world by their own choice.
I mean, Santa has already shown himself more than willing to put aside morality and enslave the elves for his benefit. Someone tell these elves they can create a union!
Besides, the distance around the world is 24,901 miles. Without even considering the time Santa would spend inside each house, the deer would have to move at a minimum of 2,075 miles per hour just to make the trip. The sheer number of calories necessary for such a journey taken at such a speed could not be held in the tender, delicate bodies of reindeer. If my dad had told me they were elk, maybe I would’ve been fooled, but not now!
In conclusion, Santa Claus is not real. I’m sorry.
We must start being honest with ourselves and accept that our trust was broken during the most vulnerable times of our lives, so we may break the cycle for our children.
