The Pepperbox

The Student News Site of Arcata High School

The Pepperbox

The Pepperbox

Buttered up: Butter your bae for V-day
Owen Peterson, A&E Editor • February 5, 2024
Baking and creating something with the person you love can be one of the most magical things out there. Keep in mind though, even if you’re single and feeling lonely this Valentine’s Day, it’s also a great time to show yourself some love.
March 5th election coming soon!
Sasha Love, Feature Editor • February 26, 2024

An election is coming up fast! On March 5th, propositions and measures for healthcare, cannabis farming, and more will be decided, and several...

February district board meeting:
Sasha Love, Feature Editor • February 26, 2024

The Northern Humboldt Union High School District school board meeting this Thursday addressed the locking of gender neutral bathrooms, tardy...

O’Brien posing with flowers.
Boys Want Flowers Too
Oscar Carlson, Reporter • February 13, 2024

In a universe adorned with red roses, teddy bears, and heart-shaped chocolates, there's an age-old tradition that often leaves one gender...

Building love, brick by brick
Jordan Gaskell, Business Manager • February 13, 2024

Legos have been a predominantly kids’ toy ever since the early ‘70s. Since then, they have evolved and been adopted by a large young-adult...

WAKE UP: Santa Claus is NOT Real!

Your parents were being EVIL and LYING to you.
Santa+Claus%2C+drunk+and+bad+at+his+job.
Anthony Vasek
Santa Claus, drunk and bad at his “job.”

As a young American, you’re told enough lies by the time you’re eighteen to kill an adult horse. Luckily, most are innocent: your blood is blue until it touches oxygen, if you swallow a watermelon seed, it’ll grow inside you, gum stays in your stomach for seven years, you use only 10% of your brain, etc.

However, every winter a much more sinister lie would come regarding the origin of your Christmas presents.

You were told of a fat, jolly man, decked in red from head-to-toe who squeezes himself down your chimney (or front door, if you lacked one), eats all your cookies, and leaves a bunch of presents beneath your tree.

That is, as long as one simple condition was met; that you have been good this year.

However, dear friends, your parents were being EVIL and LYING to you. 

Santa is not only a false prophet whose existence is scientifically impossible, but a symbol of authoritarian fascism meant to stifle the spirits of children worldwide by stuffing them into such arbitrary boxes as “bad” and “good.” 

Just think about it for a moment! How would such a fat man fit through the chimneys when, according to Missouri University, chimneys are hardly ever over thirteen inches in diameter? Isn’t that forced intrusion, anyways?

What a weirdo.

And what about the magical reindeer? They surely aren’t pulling that sleigh around the world by their own choice.

I mean, Santa has already shown himself more than willing to put aside morality and enslave the elves for his benefit. Someone tell these elves they can create a union!

Besides, the distance around the world is 24,901 miles. Without even considering the time Santa would spend inside each house, the deer would have to move at a minimum of 2,075 miles per hour just to make the trip. The sheer number of calories necessary for such a journey taken at such a speed could not be held in the tender, delicate bodies of reindeer. If my dad had told me they were elk, maybe I would’ve been fooled, but not now!

In conclusion, Santa Claus is not real. I’m sorry.

We must start being honest with ourselves and accept that our trust was broken during the most vulnerable times of our lives, so we may break the cycle for our children.

Leave a Comment
Donate to The Pepperbox

Your donation will support the student journalists of Arcata High School. Your contribution will allow us to purchase equipment and cover our annual website hosting costs.

More to Discover
About the Contributor
Anthony Vasek, Managing Editor
Anthony Vasek has been a reporter for the Pepperbox, a student-run publication with nearly a century of history, since 2022. This year he is excited to use his knowledge to take on an editorial role. His coverage revolves mostly around sensitive topics, such as mental health and drug use. He also does a great deal of graphic design, leading the class in InDesign during each layout session. Two articles of his have won both first and second place, respectively, in the Feature category of the Jackie Awards. Personally, he has a strong belief towards the supremacy of felines and fish.
Donate to The Pepperbox

Comments (0)

All The Pepperbox Picks Reader Picks Sort: Newest

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *