Arcata High School’s Principal Ferderber announced her resignation this week, citing “irreversible psychological damage” caused by the school’s restrooms, the Bluetooth speaker in the senior lot, and an unexplained TikTok trend involving traffic cones.
“It started with one email about a jewel…or a jewel? No…a Juul,” Ferderber said, loading her car with a suspicious number of potted plants. “Next thing I know, every bathroom on campus has a fog machine and at least two amateur DJs.”
Sources say Federerber’s last straw came during a fire drill, when she discovered a group of students using the emergency as a photoshoot opportunity titled #FireFitCheck.
“I didn’t go to school for educational leadership to be a hallway AirTag chaser,” she said. “Also, someone tried to submit a senior prank proposal through a Google Form titled ‘Operation Ferder-blur.’ I’m done.”
Students responded to the news with mixed emotions. “I’m gonna miss her energy,” junior Kyle Roberts said. “But like, also…maybe now we can get vending machines with energy drinks in them and the phone policy will go away.”
In her official farewell email, Ferderber offered some wisdom: “The youth are our future, and I’m scared for it.”
She has already accepted a new job at a remote lighthouse, where she reports the only vaping incident was “a cloud from a suspiciously relaxed seagull.”
